Down A Difficult Road

It has been five months. Five months that I have been working hard on numbing the pain. This past Saturday, I cried since November. Sometimes I wonder what he would be doing right now if he was alive. I wonder what I would tell him since he was always with his friends in his own world and he rarely came out to see his family. I wonder what he would say if I told him that the story idea I had in 2003, the one he helped me get inspired with his pictures, is still a go and I'm using it as a college application. I wonder what he would look like. The last time I saw him, he was losing weight but he was still a bit husky. When he passed away, he was skinny.

I wonder if we would celebrate another birthday together.

Five months after the loss of my Munchkin, I travelled down the road he last rode on. I saw the monument his friends placed for him. I saw the stretch of road where cars were driving 70 mph instead of the posted 60. For the first time in five months, I was finally on the road that took my cousin's life. I drove around it or avoided it all the time. Today was the day I managed to muster up the courage to face that cruel road.

Slowly, the pain will go away and I will let the grief pass, but for now, I simply cannot. It's been five years since my grandma has passed away and I'm still grieving. My munchkin's loss will be so much harder than that. Twenty years may have to pass. In the meantime, I will continue to live on and reach my dreams and celebrate, just as I would have if my dearest cousin was still around.

I miss you, Munchkin.